So I had a couple of hours, and felt like ganking a carebear. I logged onto Eve and launched probes, finding a Rokh and two Golems within a minute. Knowing that a marauder would be clearing as it went, I held the Rokh until the end. The first Golem was finishing up and warped away soon after I arrived. The second Golem, flown by Graaatch, shot at me after I looted a couple of small wrecks. I evacuated my Vigil (actually it was Khalia's Vigil, but that's a long story) and retrieved the Sacrilege.

As I arrived, he warped out.

Oh well, I guess I'll go on to... wait a minute! Did he just warp to a planet?

I warped to Ruvas I at 0km. There he was.

I was actually a little worried at first. He was tanking me really well, and it was taking both my armor repairers to barely keep up with his damage.

As his tank started to break, I opened a convo with him. I will include the highlights, and give you a pastebin to the entire log at the end of the post.

Paul Clavet > How much is your ship worth to you?
Graaatch > for a rat...nothin...i has more
Paul Clavet > OK then
Paul Clavet > now that you're out of cap
Graaatch > are you planning on lettin me go for less than 50 mill
Paul Clavet > lessee... how much is a golem worth?
Paul Clavet > I'll take 450 mil
Graaatch > is not about how much its worth its about how much i have
Paul Clavet > I guess you don't have rich friends then?
Graaatch > i have no friends thats why im in a free corp
Paul Clavet > If you have an unfitted golem, contract it to me and I'll let this one go
Paul Clavet > or make me an offer
Graaatch > like i said...if you want 50mill or less i can do that but i dont have that kind of money and i dont have another golem...i have more ships like a rohk or orca but nothin like a golem
Paul Clavet > I'd take an orca
Graaatch > well...is fitted and carrying my hulk atm so im not going to give those up
Paul Clavet > your time is about to run out
Paul Clavet > you'd better make me an offer soon

I've gotten ransoms before, but I'd never had someone take me up on my suggestion to contract over assets in lieu of cash.

Paul Clavet > Contract the Orca with Hulk
Paul Clavet > it's worth less than your Golem
Paul Clavet > or you lose your Golem and fittings
Paul Clavet > one minute left
Graaatch > im lookin for it....
Paul Clavet > Found it?
Graaatch > yea but the hulks not in it
Paul Clavet > the orca and 50M then
Paul Clavet > quickly
Graaatch > ok h/o
Graaatch > is up

My contract icon blinks.

o/

Now then, to crack open this pinata and see what falls out...

Paul Clavet > SUDDENLY
Paul Clavet > BETRAYAL

Killmail. That's a solid billion-ISK ship. Shame the Pith B-Type XL Booster didn't drop.

Paul Clavet > Now then
Paul Clavet > what have we learned?
Graaatch > that some people are just douche bags and cant be trusted....that those people play big billy badass in the internet because irl they get picked on by everyone cause they cant do anything worthy of anyone
Paul Clavet > You are right, I do nothing cool IRL
Paul Clavet > Truly thou hast struck a mortal blow
Graaatch > figured
Paul Clavet > but thanks for the orca and faction mods
Graaatch > yea...get bent pizza face...try not to get raped by daddy tonight
Paul Clavet > Your tears are delicious. My cup overfloweth!

Now, I've gotten a few kills since my hiatus, but no quality tears. These are textbook grief-tears!

Graaatch > am i pist off yea....cause i lost my golem...a lil...mostly cause you cant trust people these days
Paul Clavet > Yeah, I mean if you can't trust the CEO of "Honorless Internet Jerks" then who CAN you trust?
Graaatch > idc who you are
Paul Clavet > Obviously not, because you trusted me.

Why do people get the impression that they can trust even their corpmates in Eve, much less some random guy that out-witted them?

Graaatch > me...i know enough....i can go ahead right now and buy a couple plexs and replace the golem and mods
Paul Clavet > I encourage you to do exactly that
Paul Clavet > you've fuelled my playtime for another six weeks
Graaatch > grats question is...can you afford to play without being a leach.....are you a leach on society as well and in EVE
Graaatch > i would imagine you are
Paul Clavet > Yep, I'm a total non-contributor both in eve and IRL. I've never done anything worthwhile in either realm
Graaatch > me....i dont have the time to play games like this all day...i work for a living
Paul Clavet > I would work for a living too if I was that terrible at games
Graaatch > go figure

I resisted the urge to tell him that at that point I had been logged in for 45 minutes out of the past week.

Graaatch > its not cause im terrible at games....its cause i wanna keep the mustang gt and chevy z71 in my driveway full with gas and the roof over my head
Paul Clavet > Go look under the passenger floorboard... you might find an orca to replace the one you gave away!

Ah, the old "my fail here doesn't matter because IRL I make lots of money!" routine.

Paul Clavet > Never forget that you fired first
Paul Clavet > You were obviously the aggressor
Graaatch > now...if i was TRYING to pvp...i would have been setup w/ a warp stab and a large neut

Wait, what?

Paul Clavet > So maybe you can figure out how much work-time it'll take you to recover the bil or so for the golem... then you can remember while you're at work that you're essentially working for me
Paul Clavet > So stop slacking!
Graaatch > hmm thats good but it will be 1 hr of work for 3x plexs
Paul Clavet > Yep!
Paul Clavet > An hour of work for Paul Clavet
Graaatch > i can deal w/ that
Paul Clavet > Well good, perhaps we can do this again sometime!

I can only hope that at work tomorrow, he remembers what happened here today, and thinks of me. And then gets the hell back to work. The slacker. Honestly, I don't know what I keep him around for.

Graaatch > like i said...i treat folks the way i want to be treated...i know full well the pvp of this game...i spent some time in 0.0....does everyone breat ransoms...no....we never did when i was runnin 0.0 space
Graaatch > break*
Paul Clavet > wait... you're claiming to have knowledge of pvp?
Paul Clavet > Is that why your idea of a PVP fit involves warp stabs?
Paul Clavet > Is that why you warp to zero on a planet then sit still?
Graaatch > do i pvp in high sec....no...when i do...its usually 1 person and a warp stab will get you out....if im runnin in a pack i dont....was i expecting you to follow....no
Paul Clavet > So I guess you DID learn something useful today!
Graaatch > but being in a bs....its a slow boat
Paul Clavet > I will send you a bill tomorrow.
Graaatch > ill be sure to ignore it and wait for your in game supena
Paul Clavet > You misspelled subpoena
Paul Clavet > but what do I know, right?
Graaatch > rofl so your a grammer nazi too
Graaatch > clasic
Paul Clavet > classic*

There was a little more chest-beating by Graaatch in response to my poking, and if you want to read the complete log, you can do so over at pastebin.

It was an hour well-spent in Eve. The Orca was transported by an alt to Jita, where it sold for 350 million ISK. My total take was approximately 475 million.